Posted by: ...jaynes ; ) | February 27, 2012

I get so lost in you
At first I feared those words
I didn’t want to take responsibility for what they meant
Oh I knew what they meant
Understood them completely
And thoroughly
But I wasn’t ready for them
Not then I was starting something new and I wasn’t going back to that
Delving into those old feelings and thoughts That old mouse or snake thing I didn’t listen to my inner voice back then and I didn’t want to look at why I didn’t Self reflection is so exhausting and the worst time to do it is when you’re feeling vulnerable
I always think I’m the snake when I’m feeling like that but that’s just my internal show of force because if truth be told I’ve been the mouse way to often in my life and I don’t really like that about me I’d prefer to think of myself as strong and kind not weak and afraid Not just letting it happen to me and picturing my perfect world Not saying anything and keeping who I really am locked up inside my head my heart my very being not existing unless I feel safe and protected . I didn’t feel that way back then and honestly I probably never have since I tried but you can’t make your self feel safe it’s a lie I told myself forever til I thought it was true .
But what you can do is change ! Change your behavior change your approach change your expectation and what you expect from them. Not lower them but change them raise them in someways and understand that this change might not work but , hey neither is what your doing right now RIGHT ! or back when this started at least
There are a lot of ways we as human beings self sabotage Some are instinctual but some are formed simply by habit I decided to start with those First I had to look at what I really and truly wanted needed and wasn’t willing to live without anymore ! SEX !! Instinctual,yes but if i am being honest its still the first thing that pops into my head at any and every given moment Now that could just be me ; ) you might need to find your own thing but that’s something no one else can do but you Damn this therapist is relentless , lol

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